The Bad Assery Of Neville Longbottom
by JEDIJESSICUH
Summary: Chuck Norris jokes are so before that one time Neville cut off Nagini's head. Summoning amusement from the web and various sources, I bring you the bad assery of the one, the only: Neville Longbottom.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: Due to severe bad assery in the final movie, Neville Longbottom has replaced Chuck Norris. From around the web I have gathered only a few of the jokes people have altered to suit our new favorite snake killing Gryffindor. Credit to their creators, various websites and Google. There will be more chapters put up with more jokes, so stay tuned.

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><p>1. Chuck Norris' boggart is Neville Longbottom.<p>

2. Neville pisses Felix Felicis.

3. If Grindewald and Voldemort were to get into a fight, Neville Longbottom would win.

4. Neville is one-eighth centaur. This has nothing to do with bloodlines; he once ate an entire centaur.

5. Neville Longbottom sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled bad-ass wizarding ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Neville Expelliarmus'd the devil's ass and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Exploding Snap every second Wednesday of the month.

6. The sorting hat is no longer used at Hogwarts; students are sorted based on how long it takes to cry in the presence of Neville Longbottom.

7. When Harry and Ginny's children were conceived, Ginny was thinking of Neville. So was Harry.

8. If you spell "Neville Longbottom" in Scrabble, it's an automatic win.

9. Bellatrix never actually tortured Neville's parents. She just threatened to kill their son and they laughed themselves into insanity.

10. Even though it was difficult getting four dragons for the Triwizard Tournament, officials decided it was safer than the original plan of using Neville Longbottom.

11. If you're looking for Neville on the Marauder's Map, he's labeled "BAMF".

12. They said Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort was afraid of. They were wrong.

13. They were going to release a Neville Longbottom version of Clue, but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom in the courtyard with a sword".

14. Merlin got an Order of Neville, third class.

15. Neville Longbottom cut off the Hog's Head. He was practicing for Nagini.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the reviews from the first chapter. I am quite enjoying these jokes myself, so here's another batch! :)

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><p>1. Hogwarts no longer teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts, they just hand out Neville Longbottom masks.<p>

2. When Neville uses the knight bus, he calls himself Harry Potter to avoid all the attention.

3. Neville's alphabet soup only ever contains four letters: B, A, M, and F

4. The wizard prison was originally named after Neville - it used to be Bad-Asskaban.

5. Voldemort and the Death Eaters were actually created in the Room of Requirement. Neville walked passed it 3 times thinking he needed some opponents who were not laughably pathetic in comparison to him. Some things, not even magic can do.

6. Originally, Professor Dumbledore was going to have Neville Longbottom guard the Sorcerer's Stone. But he couldn't figure out how to defeat him to get it back, so he went with plan B.

7. Neville Longbottom listens to Mandrake cries on his iPod for entertainment.

8. To access the Marauder's Map all Neville has to say is "I'm Neville Longbottom, bitch."

9. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Neville Longbottom calls this "a slow Tuesday."

10. Neville lost his virginity before his dad.

11. Neville Longbottom's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't meddle with Neville!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

12. Neville Longbottom CAN believe it's not butter.

13. Neville Longbottom does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Neville Longbottom.

14. The original premise of the show Survivor was to put people on an island with Neville Longbottom. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go back to the island to retrieve the footage.

15. Dumbledore's Patronus is Neville Longbottom flexing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: I had called this fic done months ago, but I've still been receiving messages and reviews asking for another chapter. So here you go, ladies and gentleman! Another installment of the bad assery of Neville Longbottom!

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><p>1. Neville uses Nagini's blood as soy sauce.<p>

2. In kindergarten Neville killed a Death Eater for Show and Tell.

3. Originally, there was a spell called "Neville Longbottom", but when cast in a duel both wizards would explode leaving nothing more than a smear of blood and a fraction of wand. They quickly changed this spell to the much weaker, "Avada Kedavra."

4. Neville Longbottom doesn't bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom.

5. Even phoenix tears won't cure wounds inflicted by Neville Longbottom.

6. Neville needs a remembrall not because he has a poor memory, but merely because he accomplishes too much to remember.

7. Neville's patronus is Neville, because nothing else is bad ass enough to represent him.

8. Neville Longbottom sectumsempra'd his way out of his mother's womb. Ever since, muggles have called this operation a "c-section".

9. It was once suggested that "Diagon Alley" be changed to "Longbottom Alley." The idea was almost immediately cast aside, because nobody crosses Neville Longbottom and lives.

10. When Draco Malfoy found out he was worth a whole 12th of Neville Longbottom, he cried for joy.

11. Not to be outdown, after Mrs. Weasley took out Bellatrix, Neville brought her back to life and killed her again.

12. Neville Longbottom once found a crumple horned snorkack.

13. Neville Longbottom taught mandrakes how to scream. He finds the sounds soothe him to sleep.

14. Neville Longbottom's tears cure basilisk venom. Too bad he has never cried.

15. The seventh book initially followed Neville's last year at Hogwarts, but J.K. Rowling changed it to Harry's endless camping adventures to bring the rating down to PG-13.


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